Vampire Wedding!

Hi guys!

 thanks for your comments on my previous post! sorry about the length, loved vampire films from my childhood and could talk about them all day! Been busy following the vampire wedding film which i mentioned in my previous post! so excited for this one! I was blogging on a fan forum the other day about vampire films in general and mentioned vampire wedding to a fan who  was, like me, a big fan of the original vampire films like lost boys, The Dracula films, Nosferatu, Blood - the last vampire And one of my all time favorites - Let the right one in! And anyway before i go off track many people immediately started going on about twilight. Now don't get me wrong twilight is successful and partly well done as a film for its target audience but  once we've seen the first one a lot of people will agree with me is that twilight lacks action, it's acting is staged and its portrayal of love and desire appears forced. Although Bella and Edward throughout the films have to face obstacles and barriers to try and ultimately be together it does not, drive an audience. I do not find myself clinging onto the edge of my seat in the hope that Bella will survive the hunter vampire who attempts to kill her in the hope to spite her love edward - she is bitten and in pain but it does not appear real and thus does not grip us. 

What i love about the new Script for vampire wedding is that its full of quirky lines that emphasizes its comedy value in situations most women will find themselves at one point, the all too well known relationship trouble. For example when everything seems to be going downhill for Sophia when she suspects her gorgeous fiance Micheal is cheating on her, she does what every girl does "performs a funeral of all things Micheal" ripped up photographs galore, while spending time with her beloved cat and changes her answer phone message to the quirky;

" Hi, this is Sophia, the most popular girl on the planet. Honestly, chances are that you have dialed the wrong number. And if not, you may express your compassion after the beep by reciting a poem, singing a song, or proposing marriage to my cat.

Thank you."

Sophia Heartfield, the wedding planner/ lawyer is not another Bella, she is a resembles all independent women out there who are just trying to do the right thing and end up with the man she loves. Vampire Weddings does it all, it makes us laugh, cry and whimper in our seats with gothic vampires, explosions, Glamour & rubies, disaster weddings, Silent vintage movie stars & even  a bit of garlic thrown in. 

And you haven't heard the best news yet, Vampire weddings is holding a competition to be one of the vampires in the film! 

VAMPIRE CASTING COMPETITION
Do you want to PLAY A VAMPIRE IN VAMPIRE WEDDING MOVIE?
For details send an email to info@vampireweddingmovie.com

There will be opportunities soon to raid charity shops, costume shops, internet, ebay or simply make your own costume & become a vampire bride or groom! Halloween has come again only this time a hell of a lot better!

Email the link above or check out the Facebook fan page : http://www.facebook.com/vampirewedding for more information and a look at the awesome vampire wedding comic illustrations!

And follow the blog on tumblr too just click on: Vampire Wedding Blog

if thats not enough also follow vampire wedding on twitter!

this is one wedding that will everyone is invited too and definitly will go down with a bang!

Finally a New Original Vampire Film

Research into the history Vampire Film, Vampire Film Trends & Fan Behavior

In this article I aim to discuss and explore the vampire film and reception to it. Discussing the History and beginning of vampire film and how the typical characteristics of the vampire displayed in the vampire film has changed over time to adjust to the demands of the audience and the characteristics and stereotypes of the most common vampire film audience.

To explore the vampire film, and what makes a vampire film successful I look back to the beginning of vampire film, which started as early as 1896 with the silent horror by George Melies, Le Manior du diable (House of the flying bat). Vampire Film and horror then began with focusing on an audiences fears of science fiction elements such as leeches and vampire which made an audience feel unsettled, Squeamish, these elements then combined to create the character of the vampire, the living dead who come out at night to drink their victims bloods.  Le Manior du diable  displays the vampire as a bat like creature, residing in a castle and with crucifixes and medieval aspects that are associated with vampires. Also Vampire films such as Nosferatu (1922 F.W. Murnau),which was  the first full length vampire horror  gave an audience an image of what a vampire should look like, act like and how they reside. Nosferatu being an unofficial adaptation of Bram Stokers 1897 “Dracula” Novel.

As Part of German expressionism movement, the character of Nosferatu the vampire, is displayed to be not quite human, his make up and movements echo those of a bat. In these earlier films the male vampire is displayed not as attractive to the female, which in the latest vampire film, twilight, Being Irresistibly attractive to the opposite sex  is one of the vampire's so-called “powers”. This characteristic alone is evidence of how the character of the vampire adjusts to fit modern audiences which I will discuss more fully later on.

In Dracula Films (See 1931, Tod Browning and 1958 Terence Fisher)  the attractive body is not the male vampire which many would have you believe with the recent twilight films and the fans obsession with the stereotypically attractive Cullen family, with Edward, Dr Cullen, Emmet and Jasper, all very attractive that seem irresistible to the human female species. The character of Bella for example, a young innocent female teen who has never had a boyfriend nor been interested in boys appears to suddenly become besotted with Edward from the first glance of him. As the only characteristic that makes him different from the rest of us in appearance as they seem extraordinary good looking, Compared to the disturbing and bat like image of the original Nosferatu and Dracula’s as shown below:

Both “Bat like in posture” black clothing or capes to resemble bat, Fangs and dark medieval castles and buildings. Pale skin. Resides in darkness

Edward Cullen: Attractive, Fashionable, always young, can come out in daylight. Does not sleep, not bat like in any manner apart from ability to almost fly and hunt like an animal?

The main point of these comparisons is how Twilight has changed the way in which vampires are portrayed. Fans of the novel by Stephanie Meyers became unsatisfied and resentful towards the cinematic portrayal of the characters of both Bella and Edward. Bella is originally written as this lone girl who moves away from home in a sunny climate to this cold and isolated, dead end town. A tomboy she is a recluse from the girl groups of friends that approach her and then falls in love with the daunting but striking vampire Edward Cullen.  What the fans and myself from research liked about the novels originally was the portrayal of love and the sense of restriction and how impossible it is for their relationship but what Kirsten Stewart doesn’t portray in the films is any sense of individuality or any elements of characteristics that us as a female audience can associate ourselves with.

The directors of each of the twilight films has tried to symbolize some element of the typical barriers females face when in a teenage relationship, i.e. with Bella’s father not liking nor trusting Edward but Kirsten Stewarts portrayal of her anguish, her desire, her rebellion is hid behind awkward acting, Monotone and misplaced smiles. An audience is left unsure of whether Kirsten as Bella really is as besotted with Edward as she intends to make out as the emotion between them is shown as awkward, not in the sense of embarrassment or shyness we might expect to see between a new young teenage couple in many chic flicks displayed but actual awkwardness between the actors.

 This leaves us resenting the character of Bella, she has no particular personality traits or quirks that make us feel for her when Edward leaves her as her portrayal of sadness and being distraught is minimal, she doesn’t appear intelligent nor have her own goals and is too content on giving herself ultimately to Edward from first moment. Although this falls back on how strong and controlling the character of vampires can be, take for example in many of the Dracula films, the vampire has many wife’s and attractive female vampires that adore him but he does not show them the same emotion on any level that Edward Shows to Bella.  In the films Edward believe Bella to be dead so he goes about killing himself. This is unheard of, no vampire would kill himself for a mere human and this made many female audiences angry as it displays Edward, the ultimate vampire, the ultimate masculine, strong, evil and predator to be weak.

Twilight has created one of the largest online and offline communities around a horror film to this date. Particularly popular with the Female audience which thus leads the male audience to dislike it. Women both young and old rival against each other over who they feel Bella should choose, Edward the vampire or Jacob, her best friend, the Werewolf but most women agreeing on the same thought, why are they both bothered with Bella anyway? The Communities around the release of twilight are vast; message board forums, live journal communities, Blog feature fan based fiction, trailers, arguments and messages about what they wanted from the film, both passionate fans and haters of the film are outspoken online so it’s not hard to see what the films doing wrong.

 For example see a particularly popular fan based forum who are against the twilight film: http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/5508.TWILIGHT_HATERS with 807 members, over 5000 comments on over 30 forum posts, Groups like this show that fans like to create a community where they share similar interests and tastes in film which shows the fandom around the film.

Fandom is when  a certain audience anticipate a film and start blogging groups, discussion group, take part in fanzines and have a particular interest in a film because of its subject matter, genre or special effects. Being a fan is a matter of appreciating particular films and being affectively or emotionally invested in them. This relates to fandom around horror and vampire films. A fan who has fandom with vampire film would be anticipating the release of twilight films and will eagerly blog, join forums and follow production of the film. Fans who only watch one sort of film and start blogging groups to discuss different kinds of film released – example – car films or Sci-Fi films

Although being a lone fan of specific films or genres may not necessarily involve actual face-to-face communication with other fans, film buffs, frequently imagine themselves as part of an extended fan community, along with absent butt like-minded fans.

Unlike the individual fan organized fandom involves fans specifically seeking out those who share their tastes, thereby becoming involved in a range of social, cultural, and media activities that take this shared fandom as their starting point.

Film fandom can involve participating online discussion and posting to sites such as the internet movie database (imdb.com), joining film clubs or groups or producing one’s own fan magazine or fanzine.

Being part of organized fandom- whether for a certain film or star-is first and foremost, linked to values of participation and production

Henry Jenkins stresses that fandom’s participatory culture is always shaped through input from other fans and motivated, at least partially by a desire for further interaction with a larger social and cultural community.

The use of fandom around the pre-release of film has proven particularly successful in the past, see for example snakes on a plane (David Ellis 2006), fans of snakes, horror and particulary gruesome films became excited about this film long before its production and release purely over the title of the film being released on the internet and the buzz around the film grew so much so that the films production company did not screen the film to critics before its release and instead relied purely on the fans creating excitement within themselves, blogs sites such as snakesonablog.com encouraged fans to meet up, dress up and go to the film with fake toy snakes, and send in pictures to fan made pictures of “Snakesinstuff” a popular competition to see which fan could send in the most absurd picture of a snake with a object.

Internet campaigns around a film encourages fans to both show and encourage their excitement and own interest in a film, finding others to do the same. The surrounding interest and excitement around the latest twilight film breaking dawn, is obvious on Youtube alone. Searching for a breaking dawn eclipse will lead you to hundreds of fanmade trailers for the film already. And further more spoofs of the film and spoof trailers on youtube are shown to be immensely popular, one trailer having over 10,000,000 views with over 65,000 “likes”.

What becomes obvious from these trailers is that although supernatural and science fiction creatures and characters in films are popular with audiences, such as zombies, vampires, werewolves etc, the fan doesn’t want it to be taken to seriously And always welcomes diversity. Films such as red riding hood received the same review  and thoughts as myself from other audience members that went to see the film, Red Riding Hood is too much like twilight and the story is getting old. The fan no longer wants a soppy female depressing love story who falls apart when the vampire leaves her or in Red Riding Hood, the same but with werewolves.

We want a modern comic twist,  The vampire film has been covered many times before, and the falling in love with a vampire is very popular with the audience, in particular females as we love nothing more then a love story with restrictions but what is proving to be unpopular is the depressing aspect, the solid acting on Stewarts behalf annoys the audience and instead we want to welcome a nicer female character and that’s what entices us to Vampire Wedding, A new Refreshing Horror and Comedy film about a wedding planner who has to fight of evil and rescue her fiance. Meet Sophia, She is intelligent, cute, fashionable and pretty but faces the relationship difficulties of vampires trying to prevent and ruin the wedding, a modern welcoming twist that is original and gripping.Also the welcomed and amusing character also of Paula Weiler, Sophia’s Best friend, offers disgruntled twilight fans a character we can all associate with our own friends, where as in twilight all of Bella's friends appear to be very fake and unlike real high school teens, only portrayals of what the media stereotypes with the American teen but is not always the case. What Sophia represents is what all females at one point find themselves with, the trouble of holding down a relationship with the one they love and the obstacles they face. 


Watch this space for more information, A review and musings on my new favourite  film, vampire wedding! 

Your So Cool.

So I haven't blogged for a long time and looking back over some of my past entries it just doesn't sound like me, It's amazing how you can write something, something so heartfelt that you don't see the words, you don't think you just let it out and its precious, its so powerful because its yours, its truthful and its your heart letting out those things we don't even know ourselves. Our deepest fears we keep deep down and sometimes you face them, start writing about one and you realise how important some things are and how entirely irrelevant others are but sometimes you just don't realise it until its to late.

This is what makes a good film maker, a good writer, a good poet, or any creative person. the people that show the world their deepest desires, their fears and their own ideas of a perfect world and transform it into art.

Sometimes we can't find the words to say what we really feel, and then we find that one song that says it all

Darling, I'm lost,
Adrift in the dark
I'm clutching your words to my vampire heart once more
So let in the light, turn me to dust
If it don't end in bloodshed, dear,
It's probably not love

Here we are, in the darkest place
My reflection shows only your face

Something is found
Something is lost
Went looking for clues in the streets of old New York
And I spilled someone's blood
I broke someone's heart again
someone you know
you're looking at him, my friend

And the people in our lives
We all leave behind
Leave behind

Here we are, in the darkest place
To keep from forgetting I picture your face
And i wonder
While we count the cost
Which is sweeter;
Love or it's loss

So i curse you,
My vampire heart
For letting me love you
Love you
For letting me love you
From the start

This Just Took my breath away.

This is just beautiful.

So simplistic yet gripping. dark and haunting yet terrifyingly romantic.

I want to make films like this

If you watch something today, make it this:

My Heart Laid Bare.

I just feel tired now if people are shocked. If it's not for you, just don't bloody watch it

Four Lions.

Chris Morris.

What a bloody legend.

So i've gone to see the film. Again. Because its just a little bit on the brillant side. It's about time britian came out with a decent comedy, showing us to have that little bit ahead of the average american blockbuster. It's comedy, at it's best. Simplistic at times and very childish humour chris morris doesn't try to make the film anything more then it is. Taking a very controversal subject topic and making it into lighthearted comedy it helps us prove us britians can see the funny side of things.And thats just what i love about british film. Okay so it is a subject matter we can be easily offended by but with just how ridiculous morris makes it you'd be a fool to really criticise. So negatives, At points i have to admit, Morris tries to hard. But then he makes up with a odd overdone explosion or two.  It is very slow humour at the beginning but he builds it up with a gripping pace that we get to know and love the characters, even if they are all blown up in a grotesque manner, The think that i loved about this film is that it doesn't just rely on the famous comedy faces, I'm so sick of will farrell, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill they are all the same. They can't pull off anything serious, let alone sophisticated. When I first saw Four lions I watched it in a arthouse cinema, Packed, I felt the film did begin slowly at first, in the crucial 15minutes for it to get started when we, as a audience are most likely to walk out But then he just really pushes it to the limits, Takes the overhanging threat of terrisiosm, a major concern and frequent subject matter in our news today and makes a joke out of it. Like only morris could. It's something only us, as british cinema, could get away with. Imagine the reception in america. So at parts its cringey, and at parts the humour is childish, but what comedy nowadays isnt? The only greatly recieved comedys are stoner comedies or the classic will farrell such as stepbrothers where you have two grown up men acting like children? It's more relaxed humour sure, but just because morris picks a controversal subject matter to make fun off do we not get it? Morris makes terrisiom out to be a childs game. Personally as a massive film geek i love this film, i love the ridiculous plot lines, the outlandish behaviour, the brillantly over done explosions and the sickenly lovable characters. The whole concept is ridiculous and thats just why we love him for it.

I love hearing different people's views on films so feel free to comment what you thought, But please if you are going to say its either good or bad, break it down for me.

The pursuit of approval usually ends in disaste

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.

It's time for a film review or two. 

I watched one of my recent favourite films today for the 3rd time and i fell back in love with it.

Breathless.

I simply cannot fault this film, or the french new wave movement. Infact if i could go back to any era before my time it would have to be the 1960's, and i would of loved to have been born in paris, the language, the style, their art, are all so much better defined and beautiful in its own right that britian alone can't compare. However i can't speak french.

More often then not a film is much better in black and white, it's how its started, and artistically that is where it should have remained. So everyone saw avatar and was amazed by the colours and the 3D aspects of it all but it just doesnt compare to the classics. Everyone awarded james cameron for his so called "one of a kind piece" and the 3D novelty of it all but i just dont buy it. I watched Avatar without 3D to see if it was a structically made well but in all honesty it bored me, it didnt grip me in like we are supposed to be pulled into a film in the first few minutes, i was watching it purely on the basis that i felt i had to. But it's nothing special. Sure if i had watched it in 3D i probably would of been dragged into the awe of it all but surely thats not avatar USP? It's been done too many times before. And I don't think enough people actually appreciated what Burton did with Alice in wonderland in 3D, not because of the brillant casting (johnny depp, matt lucas & stephen fry) But for giving us the chance to witness alice in wonderland, our childhood favourite classic, originally in 1951 as this digitally remastered masterpiece. Burton doesnt try to better the classic, he makes it his own and i never thought i would be watching a totaully different, darker spin to carroll's classic tale that i both loved and adored as a kid. 

Congratulations on that one Burton.

But back to breathless.

i idolise these characters, their lifestyles & attitudes. perhaps a sweeter version of natural born killers both films have the same underlying themes, fast paced way of life, a young couple in love but with a eye for fancy things. Always makes a good film. I love how influenced this film is by all different eras of film-making, i couldn't help but picture Patricia (jean seberg) as the classic femme fatalle who so cunningly acts as if she has her head in the clouds but really is the intelligent female. I love how females are portrayed in classic film, How they trick & allure men into false relationships or use mens sexuals desires to their wit to achieve what they want. The French New Wave film movement was dominated by male film-makers and this is so obvious in how they present their female characters. In Breathless Patricia is a femme fatale and promiscious, women are shown to trick men and are more often then not so called "loose women". However in 1960's socially men were still the stronger gender with more rights then women but in films women are shown the stronger more devious characters more often than not. Take Hitchcock for example, A strong user of femme fatales with the same characteristics more often then not - beautiful women, tricking men etc. Hitchcock himself was terrified of women, after a over-powering mother he never got over his fear/ never understood women. He was apparently an awful director to work with, with little or no respect for his female actors and his strange personality, his preference for blondes on screen as he thought an audience would be more wary of a brunette. Is this a valid claim or is it's hitchcock's weird, yet wonderful personality kicking in?

All the best film-makers are a bit fucked up but would we have them any other way?

Untitled

5 Days without smoking

the sun is shining.

I really don't care that my edit of "Life In A Box" is two minutes too long.

I do care that it's not very good

we can be anything we want to be. 

Enough said. 

the little things that mean the world

Okay so its one of those petty things you always fill in that really are quite silly but sometimes it's the best way to say the things that mean the most. 

if that makes any sense..

FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:

• You will never realise just how much i love you
  
• I can't forgive you for what you did but it's made me a better person then i could ever be
• You have no idea how amazing you are
• i wish you could realise how you can be anything you want to be, you just have to try a bit harder
• i miss you and i wish we were as good friends as we used to be

TEN things about yourself:

• i feel lost in most situations
• i wish to be a lot more intelligent then i actually am
• i want to spend my life making films
• i really wish i could change a few things about myself
• i listen to the music my parents listen to and i'm so glad they bought me up listening to the beatles
• I can't stand to be in the same place for too long
• my friends and family are the most important thing to me
• i write, whenever i can, poetry, scripts or blogs.
• no matter how shit i feel, waterloo sunset by the kinks always makes me smile
• i hate liars and fakes and people who think drugs are "cool"
• 
  
• SEVEN ways to win your heart:

• play me songs on your guitar
• tell me your secrets
• tell me you love me
• hold my hand on sunny days
• a kiss, with passion, you know the ones that aren't
• don't be afraid to act stupid or immature
• be honest, no matter what
• 
  

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

• i really want to do well
• are you being honest
• jamie
• work. work. work
• how my friends and family are
• at the moment: i really want a ciggerette but i have to give up, 
• i want to listen to that (chosen song)

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:

• watch a film/ read a book
• text jamie
• think about the day
• think about the next day

FOUR things you see right now:

• laptop
• phone
• tv
• pre production folder

THREE songs that you listen to often:

• waterloo sunset by the kinks
• octopusses garden by the beatles
• there she goes by the cranberries

TWO things you want to do before you die:

• make films, not for money, but films that mean something, that create that complete sense of happiness
• fall in love and be completely happy 

It's been a good day

3 days without smoking. At all.

Before 3 weeks with less then one a day.

Spending hot, sunny days with the people i love.

Re-writing my original gallery of faces script.

life is good 

To Smoke or Not to Smoke?

So I'm giving up smoking, I am giving up smoking.. Or am i not? In the past 3 weeks i have cut down from   smoking 20 a day to 1 or 1/2  a rollie in the late hour of the night if I'm not drinking. I say that with the honest truth that when i did have a few drinks i ended up having 5 rollies in a night, Shocking i know but it's still much better then what i was on before, I'm not even going to mention how many, partly because it's a nasty figure and partly because i can't remember.. Oh dear!

I think I'm at that stage where i could give up for good now, after cutting down so drastically without help (patches etc) i could easily do it.

But do i want to? 

I never saw myself as a smoker, well i started social smoking just for the hell of it and sure enough i got addicted (like we say we never will!) but truth be told I really do enjoy smoking, I love going to the pub on summers days and having a drink and a Roll-up, Or going outside clubs and bars and smoking with a friend or two, its so sociable and i do love the taste. But now the more i smoke the more I realise how disgusting it is, the thought of what it's doing to my lungs, how my fingers smell, my hair, everything. The cost, the taste in your mouth afterwards, worrying about tasting like an ashtray to my boyfriend and of course the health concerns.

But it's so classic and iconic! In all the best classic films a character smokes and just looks so classy! or the whole symbolism of penis desire (with Frueds theory) of women smoking in films symbolic of a desire to be a man, even the hint of when a man smokes this supposedly symbolise's his need to portray his masculinity or some may hint even a desire for a bigger.. well you know. 

But no matter how sexy smoking appears here is it really worth looking like this?

So we see the warnings on our tobacco pouches and we see the adverts and for a secound we remember the health concerns, but only for a secound until we next light up. It's not really worth it. Maybe i will be able to do it this time, i'd like to say i have the commitment to stop, maybe i won't though. But i have decided, i've been smoking for too long now and i've grown out of it. I'm sick of living in ignorance and smelling like ashtray, okay so its film iconic the cigarette stills but who am i kidding? I'm not exactly ever going to look like uma therman in the first place, especially if i keep smoking and increase ageing. 

But  i will give up smoking.

20 in 2 weeks.

On patches tomorrow,

Wish me luck. 

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.

A bit of a discovery, I write quite a lot of heartfelt stuff on here purely on the fact that i don't think anyone will read it, I'd like to think i don't give a shit about what people think of me but in all honestly thats a lie. I read classic literature and i take it all in, I hide behind clever Qoutations or fucked up theories from people like Slyvia Plath. I try to look at life through the eyes of Jack Kerouac, try to party like characters from Irvine Welshes mad stories or try to view situations like J.d Salinger. Chobsky changed my life. I read perks of being a wallflower and i became charlie, or perhaps i've always been that character. I love the idea of sitting on the sidelines of everyday life and watching action like that as if you were at a theatre, Try to get inside peoples head's like if you were watching a film, Try to perceive or guess what they are thinking, what they are going to do, what they desire.

I used to sit at train stations and watch people, Well not out of a habit, When i used to travel to london every weekend to see a old boyfriend i used to sit and watch crowds of people and wonder who they were going home to, what they feared, what they desired, what means something to them. 

Strangers fascinate me. 

Weird huh?

I put everything i am into my films. And i don't do happy endings. My first independently done film a gallery of faces reflects part of who i am in the main character, okay so the domestic violence is all fictional but part the character being a wallflower reflects on when i was a lot younger and i can remember watching a crowd at london liverpool station and thinking up each strangers story line. I have always been more creative then intelligent. I don't like to take situations seriously, and if i do i make them into film plots. I turn my own life into films sometimes, if i don't like how somethings turned out then i dramatize it in my own petty imagination. I'm not sure if its a good thing but i like to think every good film-maker, artist, poet or author  is fucked up in some way or other, otherwise there's no passion, no truth, no feeling behind it all and thats what makes art beautiful.

Check out my film by the way if you are interested by this:

A gallery of faces

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. 

Look at Sylvia Plath for instance. The Bell Jar is the only novel she wrote and that alone is semi-autobiographical with the names of people and places changed. It documents her struggle with mental illness and the further you read the deeper she falls out of touch with perhaps sanity or sense of any self happiness she once had. Plath committed suicide a month after the book was published. Morbid i know but the book is written beautifully, her thoughts and theories and how she perceived those around her is admiral and in a sense its a cry for help, but too late. Perhaps she had planned her end all along but just wanted to put herself out there. I was here. This was my story. 

I've come across a lot of shattered soles as it was through blogging, From research alone for my film on agoraphobia i found a lot of agoraphobic blogs out their where those blogs are all people have as an outcry to the outside world that frightens them. I'm here, This is me, I'm hurt and i want you to know. Some of these peoples entries are the most influential and admiral writings i have seen, they don't try to romanticize, dramatize or fictionalize anything. They write their deepest fears just to tell people that no matter how afraid of the outside or anything else they are not scared to let people know how they feel. 

I respect that.

Nobody's Perfect

I wear to much eye-make up to hide squinty watery eyes. I don't look at people i don't trust properly, and if i do i accidentally give people evils apparently, i don't mean to but perhaps i just come across as miserable. i put up barriers, people notice but i think everyone does and it's a good thing sometimes. I'd like to come across as mysterious but then again i'm blogging truthfully on here for anyone to read so perhaps I'm not. I mess my hair up, constantly, just because i'm never happy with it, too many people look at old pictures of me and say i wish i still looked like that, but i'm fine now.  People look at my tattoo and try to make assumptions from it but no one really understands it, i find it really petty when people tell me what it means. they have no idea. People find it weird because its different, and it actually says something rather then having the common star or three, what's the point? But then again i guess if you love it, if it means something to you then thats fine, your skin, your life.

This is my tattoo by the way if you don't know what I'm going on about:

Nobody's perfect, I tried far too long to be and I'm far from it, But i wouldn't change for anyone. 

Respect your elders

The older i get the more i love a chat over tea with my nan,

(Even if she does use a sneaky one tea-bag between two mugs) Nice. But you can learn a lot from your elders, like my grandma, Olywne Wilkins (oh god I'm not even going to try and attempt to spell that name) actually got around a fair bit in her time, modelled for a bit and has these amazing land girl stories to tell where-as sometimes she can happily just us believe she's all about bargain shopping at pound land and spam. God what is it with old people and spam. Or just spam in general? 

Yum.

It is about time i put up a new entry on here, I  read through my last one and realised that my punctuation, grammer and structure is really very poor but then again its only blogging so i do hope you can excuse me. Also i realised i didnt post the link of the blog site i found that i mentioned in my last entry, and now i can't seem to find it again. When i was searching for definitions for agrophobia i found a young girls account of her life suffering with agrophobia and she described her experience as "life in box". So simple but beautifully tragic this is what i have entitled my latest film, also on agrophobia. 

Check out this blog, Found this during my research and it really helped inspire me to create a more in-depth and emotional piece. 

I never really understood it.

http://livingwithagoraphobia.blogspot.com/

I'm Getting Old.

I'm 20 soon. Oh god. Never really pictured myself being 20 and now i feel i have to act more mature. But i really don't want to. I have that so called peter-pan complex, I really don't want to grow old, I'd like to stay 19 forever please. I spent so much of my childhood wanting to be older, have a job, be able to drive and now that I'm pretty much there i'd like to just stop time. This first year of Uni has gone so fast, I've met some amazing people, and learnt   alot about trust and friendship, I've grown up, without even realising it. But I'm still ridicolously immature at heart, I spend far too much time at uni worrying about my degree and where I'm going in life that i forget how much i still love going driving with sam and spending time with some of the best mates i will ever have, and i appreciate them more now then i ever have because no matter where we all go in the country or how long we are apart, nothing or no one changes.

And i love them for it. 

So What's new?

I'm being a bit of a bum really. I have all these creative ideas floating about and i'm constantly writing half-arsed scripts, started a short monologue about a girl in a daffoldils reflecting on modern 21st century society compared to the 1900s. I Have a bit of a soft spot for poetry,I'd love to make a few short visual films to accompany some of my favourites, for example John McCrae's "In Flanders fields"

  In Flanders fields the poppies blow 

Between the crosses, row on row, 

 That mark our place; and in the sky 

The larks, still bravely singing, fly 

  Scarce heard amid the guns below. 

We are the Dead. Short days ago 

 We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, 

Loved and were loved, and now we lie, 

In Flanders fields. 

Take up our quarrel with the foe: 

 To you from failing hands we throw 

 The torch; be yours to hold it high. 

If ye break faith with us who die 

 We shall not sleep, though poppies grow 

In Flanders fields. 

And William Wordsworths "Daffodils" which always takes me back to my childhood:

I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils; Beside the lake, beneath the trees, Fluttering and dancing in the breeze. Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the milky way, They stretched in never-ending line Along the margin of a bay: Ten thousand saw I at a glance, Tossing their heads in sprightly dance. The waves beside them danced, but they Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee; A poet could not be but gay, In such a jocund company! I gazed—and gazed—but little thought What wealth the show to me had brought: For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils. Lets explore OUR possibilites.  lets go out on a summers day with a handheld mini dv camera and the people that mean the most to us and lets make our own little masterpieces. lets make  thoughtful little pieces constructed from hours of endless and irrelevant footage, shot with shaky hands, specks of dirt on the lense, over exposed and poorly framed. But lets appreciate them for a purpose  a bit more then doing everything to the book. lets for once not worry about continuity, about actors remembering lines, creating a sense of realism and worrying about the pace or emotion. Lets just film our friends, our families, on days we want to remember, because at the end of it all, these dusty old VHS family movies are the ones that always matter the most. Comment?

I could take a hundred photographs of your smile

So I'm doing a bit of what i thought would be tiresome and irrelevant background research into agrophobia for our next film and its totaully eye-opening. Exploring the magical world of internet blogging i stumbled across some of the most heart warming, heart breaking, inspiring and sometimes even frightining entries out there. These people are unafraid to put everything they are into a single blog entry online, telling totaul strangers their hopes, dreams and fears. For some, it appears as a lifeline, The dedication that some people have is admirable. I'm ashamed to say its taken me this long to really realise how ridiculous it is to be worried about others judging you, Our faults, our problems, our pasts, make us the way we are and if people can't accept that then they really aren't worth your time. 

Check out this blog, perhaps it will make you see the bigger picture, theres bigger problems out there and stronger people, and we don't even take the time out of our ever so important problems to notice someone, Who desperately needs to be heard.

"And in that moment, We Felt Infinite" 

This has to be one of my Favourite qoutes of all time by Stephen Chobsky from one of the most beautiful books i have ever read, Perks of being a wallflower. Perhaps we should live our lives for those moments or perhaps we should try to make these moments endless, 24/7 feeling infinite, We are all too young to ever die, No one will ever beat us nor can we be pushed down. We are invincible. 

I love moments like this when the most simple and unexpected things can influence you or completely change your views or state of mind on things. Like hearing that song once on the radio and listening to it over and over again for weeks, Scripting different storyboards, Hundreds of different shots, different narratives for that one song that simply warmed our ear drums

"That one song thats just like ecstasy to the ears"

Who needs drugs when you have passion?

I'm sick of drugs, i'm constantly hearing from others of (such a mental one) been fucked for days etc but seriously are you going to have your best times of your life from sniffing a fuck load of crap up your nose? If you are then you seriously have to take a bit of time out and look at yourself. 

For me I can get the most amazing feeling of beauty, love and happiness simply from summers day, those everyday little Beautys of nature, Listening to amazing musicans like the Beatles,Simon & Garfunkel, small faces, Dylan, Kinks etc.

Dreaming of you by the coral and Waterloo sunset by the kinks will make me smile no matter what.

Not a massive fan of this saying and i do find it cliched but i am high on life, I have amazing friends, family and a beautiful boy, I'm doing what i want with life and i have the freedom to fuck it up in every beautiful mistake that i can and its great.

I'm far too young to be worrying about the bigger world out their, i will when i need to but right now i'm living for today, tonight & Tomorrow

"If these are mistakes. I'd Make them all again"

(saw this qoute on the back of a pub toilet door, by far the best toilet door in the world. everyone and anyone who had something to say wrote it on this door, and theirs some of the most beautiful messages on their. The First time I'd found Love of humanity for a long time in the most unexpected of places.)