Friday, 9 April 2010

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.




A bit of a discovery, I write quite a lot of heartfelt stuff on here purely on the fact that i don't think anyone will read it, I'd like to think i don't give a shit about what people think of me but in all honestly thats a lie. I read classic literature and i take it all in, I hide behind clever Qoutations or fucked up theories from people like Slyvia Plath. I try to look at life through the eyes of Jack Kerouac, try to party like characters from Irvine Welshes mad stories or try to view situations like J.d Salinger. Chobsky changed my life. I read perks of being a wallflower and i became charlie, or perhaps i've always been that character. I love the idea of sitting on the sidelines of everyday life and watching action like that as if you were at a theatre, Try to get inside peoples head's like if you were watching a film, Try to perceive or guess what they are thinking, what they are going to do, what they desire.
I used to sit at train stations and watch people, Well not out of a habit, When i used to travel to london every weekend to see a old boyfriend i used to sit and watch crowds of people and wonder who they were going home to, what they feared, what they desired, what means something to them. 
Strangers fascinate me. 
Weird huh?
I put everything i am into my films. And i don't do happy endings. My first independently done film a gallery of faces reflects part of who i am in the main character, okay so the domestic violence is all fictional but part the character being a wallflower reflects on when i was a lot younger and i can remember watching a crowd at london liverpool station and thinking up each strangers story line. I have always been more creative then intelligent. I don't like to take situations seriously, and if i do i make them into film plots. I turn my own life into films sometimes, if i don't like how somethings turned out then i dramatize it in my own petty imagination. I'm not sure if its a good thing but i like to think every good film-maker, artist, poet or author  is fucked up in some way or other, otherwise there's no passion, no truth, no feeling behind it all and thats what makes art beautiful.
Check out my film by the way if you are interested by this:

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. 

Look at Sylvia Plath for instance. The Bell Jar is the only novel she wrote and that alone is semi-autobiographical with the names of people and places changed. It documents her struggle with mental illness and the further you read the deeper she falls out of touch with perhaps sanity or sense of any self happiness she once had. Plath committed suicide a month after the book was published. Morbid i know but the book is written beautifully, her thoughts and theories and how she perceived those around her is admiral and in a sense its a cry for help, but too late. Perhaps she had planned her end all along but just wanted to put herself out there. I was here. This was my story. 
I've come across a lot of shattered soles as it was through blogging, From research alone for my film on agoraphobia i found a lot of agoraphobic blogs out their where those blogs are all people have as an outcry to the outside world that frightens them. I'm here, This is me, I'm hurt and i want you to know. Some of these peoples entries are the most influential and admiral writings i have seen, they don't try to romanticize, dramatize or fictionalize anything. They write their deepest fears just to tell people that no matter how afraid of the outside or anything else they are not scared to let people know how they feel. 
I respect that.

Nobody's Perfect
I wear to much eye-make up to hide squinty watery eyes. I don't look at people i don't trust properly, and if i do i accidentally give people evils apparently, i don't mean to but perhaps i just come across as miserable. i put up barriers, people notice but i think everyone does and it's a good thing sometimes. I'd like to come across as mysterious but then again i'm blogging truthfully on here for anyone to read so perhaps I'm not. I mess my hair up, constantly, just because i'm never happy with it, too many people look at old pictures of me and say i wish i still looked like that, but i'm fine now.  People look at my tattoo and try to make assumptions from it but no one really understands it, i find it really petty when people tell me what it means. they have no idea. People find it weird because its different, and it actually says something rather then having the common star or three, what's the point? But then again i guess if you love it, if it means something to you then thats fine, your skin, your life.
This is my tattoo by the way if you don't know what I'm going on about:


Nobody's perfect, I tried far too long to be and I'm far from it, But i wouldn't change for anyone. 

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