So I'm giving up smoking, I am giving up smoking.. Or am i not? In the past 3 weeks i have cut down from smoking 20 a day to 1 or 1/2 a rollie in the late hour of the night if I'm not drinking. I say that with the honest truth that when i did have a few drinks i ended up having 5 rollies in a night, Shocking i know but it's still much better then what i was on before, I'm not even going to mention how many, partly because it's a nasty figure and partly because i can't remember.. Oh dear!
I think I'm at that stage where i could give up for good now, after cutting down so drastically without help (patches etc) i could easily do it.
But do i want to?
I never saw myself as a smoker, well i started social smoking just for the hell of it and sure enough i got addicted (like we say we never will!) but truth be told I really do enjoy smoking, I love going to the pub on summers days and having a drink and a Roll-up, Or going outside clubs and bars and smoking with a friend or two, its so sociable and i do love the taste. But now the more i smoke the more I realise how disgusting it is, the thought of what it's doing to my lungs, how my fingers smell, my hair, everything. The cost, the taste in your mouth afterwards, worrying about tasting like an ashtray to my boyfriend and of course the health concerns.
But it's so classic and iconic! In all the best classic films a character smokes and just looks so classy! or the whole symbolism of penis desire (with Frueds theory) of women smoking in films symbolic of a desire to be a man, even the hint of when a man smokes this supposedly symbolise's his need to portray his masculinity or some may hint even a desire for a bigger.. well you know.
But no matter how sexy smoking appears here is it really worth looking like this?
So we see the warnings on our tobacco pouches and we see the adverts and for a secound we remember the health concerns, but only for a secound until we next light up. It's not really worth it. Maybe i will be able to do it this time, i'd like to say i have the commitment to stop, maybe i won't though. But i have decided, i've been smoking for too long now and i've grown out of it. I'm sick of living in ignorance and smelling like ashtray, okay so its film iconic the cigarette stills but who am i kidding? I'm not exactly ever going to look like uma therman in the first place, especially if i keep smoking and increase ageing.
But i will give up smoking.
20 in 2 weeks.
On patches tomorrow,
Wish me luck.